I hate today.
Not Sundays. I’ve got nothing against Sundays.
It’s Valentine’s Day that I hate.
Every year, I dread its return. It’s the only damper to an otherwise amazing month. I’ve marked it as “Black Hearts Day” in my planners before. I make salty remarks about how Valentine’s Day is The Absolute Worst, much to the chagrin of my roommate who loves love. I roll my eyes at the heart-shaped balloons and the candy aisles filled with pink and red packaging. I crack a smile at some of the valentines floating around Tumblr, but that always turns into wrinkling my nose in disgust. Even when I was dating someone, I hated Valentine’s Day.
The last time I probably truly enjoyed Valentine’s Day was in grade school. Remember decorating shoe boxes and bringing in valentines for everyone in class? I was so innocent then. I know better now. I know know myself better now.
As an aromantic, I don’t want to be with anyone romantically; romantic love is not my priority. I prefer to live a life Forever Alone, and there’s a very, very slim chance that I’ll change my mind.
When Valentine’s Day nears, I start to doubt that. Maybe I should give online dating another shot. Maybe I should look for someone to be with. I start listening to Frank Sinatra songs and fall into my own Pit of Despair that can take days to climb out of. Perhaps I didn’t put enough effort in trying to be straight.
But then I remember how awful it was when I was trying to fit myself into the heteronormative narrative. I had awful anxiety. Back when I tried online dating, my anxiety went into overdrive. One bout of anxiety last two weeks. That isn’t healthy. I felt like a poser, a fake who would be discovered at any moment.
My roommate made the argument that Valentine’s Day should be about celebrating love, whether it’s for a loved one, friends, family and/or pets. In an ideal world, that would be great. But when I think about Feb. 14, my mind jumps to romantic love and being with someone. I’m sure that’s the first thought in most people’s minds. There’s a reason why Leslie Knope started Galentine’s Day, a day for ladies celebrating ladies (it’s like Lilith Fair minus the angst plus frittatas) separate from Valentine’s Day.
I have wasted so much energy trying to enjoy Valentine’s Day and what it stands for. I’m done. So if you need me, I’ll be in my apartment blasting anti-Valentine’s Day playlists on 8tracks and finishing that bottle of wine from the other night.